I saw a facebook post from a friend recently asking the question, "Is there anything more depressing than reading old journal entries?" For him, seeing where he had been was hard. For me, seeing where I have come is amazing.
Last night, after a kind of homesick day, I picked up a bunch of old notebooks and started rifling through them. It was strange to see how much my heart now connected with my heart then. I was the same, but at the same time I was SO different.
A lot of what I wrote in those old journals were prayers. Reading through all of them again, I was struck by the strong theme of all those prayers. I didn't see it at the time, but now it seems so clear. Over and over, in the midst of all kinds of specific circumstances, I was praying the same prayer. "God, I don't want to be afraid."
I prayed that my relationships would not be ruled by fear of rejection and failure.
I prayed that my future decisions would not be made from a place of fear.
I prayed that my faith in Jesus would be one of confidence, not fear.
I prayed that I would be able to face suffering without anxiety or fear.
I can't claim to be without fear. I'm scared. There is a lot in my life that is unknown and unclear and out of my control and that is scary. Underneath that surface fear, though, I feel that something has changed in my soul. I may feel scared about teaching in a new place. I may feel anxious about my ability to handle the workload of the program. I may feel nervous about meeting all these new people. Underneath that fear, though, I have a new basic level of confidence and trust. God has seen me through so much already. I can trust him for this too.
This confidence is SO not my own doing. It's amazing. After all this time, God is still working on me.
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